confession

It’s 19 days until surgery now, and just to say it, I’m feeling anxious today. Ok, not anxious as much as scared. I keep thinking about all of the unknown things about surgery, and I’m freaking myself out. Bone saws, sliced nerves, swallowing blood, stitches… Ugh. I need to stop.

It all came crashing down on me when I got home from work, and all I could do was crawl into bed and try and sleep for an hour or so. There may have been a few tears. But only a few.

Being afraid of surgery is only debilitating, so I need to dwell on the good things. Like being able to bite through spaghetti someday. And being able to sing again, eventually. And losing a few holiday pounds. 🙂

This is just one of those nervous days. I have lots of good days, too, where I’m excited about surgery. But I’ve been in pain for the past few days–like couldn’t eat any of the yummy treats at the staff Christmas party last night kind of pain–and I think my pain and exhaustion have pushed me into the dangerous land of Self Pity. Once I’m there, it’s easy to start fretting about the possibility that surgery won’t actually help, and I’ll always be stuck choosing between satisfying hunger or avoiding pain. And once I entertain these thoughts, it’s easy to freak myself out about surgery.

So, all that to say, if you’re looking at jaw surgery and are feeling anxious about it…I completely understand. I read time and time again that it is worth it and that I won’t regret it. I’m trying to cling to that tonight, instead of dancing endlessly with my fears.

I’m thinking the best solution at this point, though, is a sleep-aid and a heating pad. 🙂

Oh…and this kid. This kid makes me smile every time! “I feel happy of myself!”